So many people who come to me think they have a libido problem.
They say things like:
“I have a low sex drive.”
“My partner wants sex more than I do.”
“We have mismatched libidos.”
But in the vast majority of cases, what I see clinically is not a lack of libido at all.
What I see are nervous systems that are exhausted, overstimulated, and out of sync.
Modern life is very good at keeping us switched on. We’ve got deadlines, devices, stress, scrolling, noise, cognitive load, performance pressure… This all keeps us living in a chronically up-regulated state. We move from task to task, screen to screen, problem to problem, rarely giving our bodies the conditions they actually need for erotic aliveness.
And then we wonder why desire doesn’t magically appear on cue.
The problem is not that people don’t want sex.
The problem is that their bodies are not in a state where desire can grow
Desire is not arousal (and arousal is not desire)
One of the most common confusions I see is between desire and arousal. They are not the same thing. Too often arousal is seen as a sign of desire. As though the arousal is the proof. You can have arousal without desire and you can certainly have desire without arousal.
Desire is a wanting, a moving towards. It’s a mental and/or emotional experience.
It can start in the head: say, a thought that intimacy might be a lovely thing to do.
Or it can start in the heart: such as a feeling of wanting to connect.
Arousal is what happens in the body. It’s a physiological experience: blood flow, lubrication, erection, warmth, tingling.
Libido is not a thing you either have or don’t have. Libido is the interplay between desire and arousal.
So you can have strong desire but slow arousal. And you can have fast arousal but very little real desire.
Clinically, I often see the so-called “low libido” partner who actually wants sex, likes sex, values sex — they just have slow arousal. Their body takes time to warm up. But they, and generally their partner, mistakenly assume that because they’re not immediately turned on, they must not want sex.
And I often see the so-called “high libido” partner who has fast arousal — they’re horny — but what they’re experiencing is more like an itch that needs scratching than a genuine, relational desire to be with their partner.
Fast arousal is not the same as high desire. Slow arousal is not the same as low desire.
When couples don’t understand this, they start diagnosing each other instead of listening to their bodies.
The pace problem (not the libido problem)
In many relationships, what gets labelled as “mismatched libido” is actually mismatched pace. One partner warms up quickly and the other takes more time.
And too often, it’s the faster-arousing partner who sets the tempo.
The slower partner then feels pressured, inadequate, or labelled as the problem. They may oblige before they’re ready. The faster partner senses the lack of genuine engagement and feels rejected or guilty. Over time, both start associating sex with tension instead of pleasure.
But let’s compare this to other shared activities. If, say, you were going for a walk together, you wouldn’t expect the slower walker to sprint to keep up. You’d slow down so you could actually walk together.
Or if you were sharing a beautiful meal, you wouldn’t wolf it down and call that enjoyment. You’d take your time, eat at a similar pace, and savour it.
Yet with sex, we often act as though faster is better.
Movies, porn, and cultural scripts reinforce the idea that lust should descend out of nowhere and we should be ready for genital engagement almost instantly. The “getting in the mood” part is edited out.
But most human nervous systems simply don’t work that way.
The nervous system is the real gatekeeper of desire
For most people, desire does not arise in a stressed, switched-on, sympathetic nervous system state.
Erotic arousal depends on parasympathetic activation. The state associated with safety, relaxation, openness and connection.
Men need parasympathetic activation for the arteries in the penis to relax and fill with blood. Women need parasympathetic activation for blood flow to the internal clitoris, vaginal walls, urethral sponge, and for lubrication to begin.
If you’re stuck in chronic stress, in your head, rushing, performing, problem-solving, bracing, your body simply cannot prioritise erotic response.
That doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means your nervous system is doing exactly what it’s designed to do.
The chilled build (not the forced fire)
Many people think good sex has to start hot and stay hot. So when they don’t feel that instant fire, they try to force it with porn, toys, fantasies, pressure, or performance. Which often just makes things worse.
What most couples actually need is what I call a chilled build - not overstimulated, not zoned-out and numb, but a state of alert relaxation, where the body is soft, the mind is present, and the connection between you feels safe and alive.
This is the sweet spot where desire can grow. Not by revving the engine, but by letting the body feel safe enough to want.
Sex is a dance, not a race
Healthy sexual connection is not about one person’s speed. It’s about learning to pace together.
That means noticing where you are within yourself, and simultaneously knowing where your partner is at. Then negotiating the rhythm in a way that honours both.
If your partner is moving too fast, slowing things down - in a kind, playful and flirtatious way - becomes part of the erotic dance.
If you want to speed things up, doing so in a way that your partner can actually respond to is also part of the dance.
Seduction, at its best, is mutual choreography.
Desire is something you cultivate
Desire and arousal are not fixed traits. They change with stress, health, life stage, relationship dynamics, emotional safety, and nervous system state.
In long-term relationships, the couples who maintain a rich erotic life are not the ones with magically matching libidos. They are the ones who understand how to cultivate desire.
They create space.
They slow down.
They let their nervous systems settle.
They pay attention to pacing.
They stay curious about each other’s changing rhythms.
They keep themselves in what I call a simmer zone - not rushed, not numb, but erotically alive.
For so many people, reclaiming desire is not about doing more. It’s actually about doing less, more slowly, and with more presence.
Modern life may be killing desire, but your body knows how to bring it back, when you give it the conditions it needs.
If you’d like to stay with me a little longer, please join me in the Salon below where I go into this topic in more depth on video. It’s a more intimate, chattier space…
Thank-you for your comment. Yes, as you'll be gleaning from my writings, our society does not in general have a helpful approach to sex and intimacy. It needs to be both more nuanced and more holistic, with the kind of depth I bring to it. I'm glad you're enjoying my new platform!
Excellent breakdown of the desire vs arousal confusion. The walking analogy is spot-on - nobody would expect their partner to sprint during a leisurly walk together, but we somehow apply that logic to sex constantly. I've noticed in my own life how much harder it is to feel anything resembling desire when I'm stuck in that sympathetic state all day. The "chilled build" concept is underappreciated - most advice focusses on either forcing intensity or giving up entirely.