I call what I’m doing ‘unf*cking modern intimacy’ because there’s a lot to unf*ck given how technical, performative and goal-oriented it’s become.
We talk endlessly about how to have sex - what to do, what not to do, how to improve it - rather than how to actually be with another human being.
And because of that we’ve lost the sacred in sex.
Now by using the word ‘sacred’ I don’t mean something 'woo hoo’ with incense and rituals, or turning sex into some kind of spiritual performance. It’s not about cosmic orgasms, kundalini, altered states, or working hard to achieve some sort of spiritual transcendence - although those things can happen. What I’m talking about is something much simpler, and often far more confronting: presence.
Because when you are genuinely present with your beloved, intimacy stops being something you do and becomes something that you experience. And that is where the sacred lives.
The Sacred Is Not About Technique
Modern sexuality has inherited the same mindset as modern productivity - it’s all about optimising, improving, achieving.
Even so-called “sacred sex” often gets packaged this way. You’re supposed to do the right practices, hold the right energy, last longer, open more, go deeper…
But the sacred is not about doing it right. It’s what emerges when we stop trying to get somewhere and allow ourselves to actually be here; fully here, in the body, in sensation, and in feeling. And in the relational field between two people.
This is a concept that can feel very uncomfortable for modern people living in our culture of striving, rushing and performing. Which is exactly why it’s so provocative.
Presence Is a Nervous System State
Presence isn’t a mindset, it’s very much a physiological concept.
When your nervous system is rushed, defended, overstimulated, or braced, your body simply can’t open. So any attempt at intimacy becomes mechanical and effortful - even when pleasure is technically present.
But when you allow your nervous system to settle - not collapse, but move into what I call alert relaxation - then something else becomes possible. You feel alive and safe, both awake and grounded.
This is the state in which erotic energy can naturally arise. You’re not trying to arouse it, you’re not pushing or chasing an outcome, you’re creating the conditions that allow it.
This is why I say that presence is sacred. It brings your body, heart, and soul into the same moment. And you this happens together.
The Field That Exists Between Lovers
Real intimacy doesn’t live in you, and it doesn’t live in your partner. It lives between you.
In my work, I often talk about the emergence of a third field: you, me, and us. When both people are present, that field becomes palpable. You find that time slows, attention deepens, and meaning arises.
This is why couples who have made this shift say things like:
“That felt different, somehow profound.”
“Now we’re actually making love, not just having sex.”
Or, as one couple put it: “It feels like we’ve switched from AM to FM”
They’re not talking about technique, they’re describing presence.
But let’s be honest, presence can be confronting. It asks us to stop hiding behind performance, to stop chasing outcomes, and to stop using intensity, speed, or novelty to avoid vulnerability.
Presence asks us to feel what is actually here, including the awkwardness, the unknown, the uncertainty, the longing. Which is why so many people unconsciously avoid it. But it’s also why presence transforms intimacy so profoundly.
Because when you are truly met by your beloved and you truly meet them - not impressed, managed, or performed for - something within and between you softens…
…and something rather beautiful wakes up.
The Provocation
It’s quite simple really: You don’t need to make sex sacred, you need to be present.
So stop trying to have a meaningful sexual experience, and start allowing intimacy to mean something.
Let go of the idea that the sacred is rare, special, or hard to access. It’s already here, in the quality of your attention: in how you touch, how you listen, how you stay.
When presence leads, intimacy becomes what it was always meant to be: a meeting of souls, a practice of pleasure, a living exchange of connection. It stops being a performance, and simply becomes participation.
And that, provocatively, is sacred.
Join me in the Salon for a deeper, chattier exploration of this topic.
Yes, I speak both science and spiritual at the same time. Or the term I prefer - soulful. And in that, create concepts that do speak to people, giving them, like you, the language to express. Good to hear too that you found such a change when you stopped the chasing and performance.
@Jacqueline Hellyer - incorporating mindful practices goes some way to becoming more present. Thank you for your post. ❤️